It's a strange thought, but I'm quite thankful to be a human. We never really consider it something to say thanks for...but think about it. It's a magical thing that we so narrowly missed being brought into the world as some other creature of God's imagination. With our humanness comes so much that nothing else in creation is privy to. Today, though, and for the past couple of weeks, I've been reflecting on how great it is to be able to feel.
I mean, right? Feeling stuff is great.
Happiness rules.
Contentment is just so nice.
To quote a certain elf, "Smiling's my favorite!!"
Even the darker feelings are a real blessing. Anger can be cathartic.
Sadness can be humbling.
For people who love feeling feelings, we are blessed to live in a time when it's all too easy to share those feelings. Whether we're frustrated at the cashier for starting an overblown conversation with the lady in front of us at the check-out or excitedly announcing an engagement, the internet invites everyone to know how everyone is feeling at any given moment.
My friends and I have been inching our way through a study of Paul's writing for a while now. The study that we're using (published by Matt Chandler, the pastor at The Village Church in Dallas) is taking its sweet, sweet time, but it's needed time. For such a small section of Scripture, leave it to Paul to pack it in, denser than a bucket of wet sand.
And I love it. It's hugely-provoking Scripture study, the likes of which I haven't done since college. Every Sunday, I am gut-punched by my conviction to be better, and at the same time uplifted.
Recently, we made it into chapter eight of Romans, in which Paul throws down some extreme language.
"Eager longing."
"Unwilling futility."
"Groaning in labor pains."
"Waiting for the redemption."
"Who hopes for what is seen?"
"The Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words."
Seriously, who talks like this anymore?! I swear, if Taylor Swift put these words to music, she'd be guaranteed another platinum hit. These are such intense words, and they're all about feelings!
Here in Romans is where Paul makes a case for the humanness of feeling things. The absolute, unyielding, resolute angst that is on display here is almost obscene. What's incredibly mind-boggling is that it's the obscenity that is most relatable.
Like I said before, we all understand this. Whether it's targeted at a paramour, a parent, or a particularly bad hair day, we're no stranger to angst. Angst- extreme, super-powered feeling- is a gift and a curse of being human. Almost supernatural. We don't see it that way, simply because pretty much everyone we know is capable of the same thing.
So, if this kind of achy-breaky melodrama isn't groundbreaking, why does Paul spend so many of his precious words to the church harping on it? Whereas we're predisposed to dwell on petty things like romance or self-pity, Paul spends his angst on Christ. It is this, Paul's "divine discontent," that uncovers a whole new side to pent-up emotion.
Paul yearns for God like we long for people to understand us. Paul agonizes over wanting to be close to God like we ache for that someone to feel the same way about us. It's his constant, unflinching, almost uncomfortable obsession with deepening his faith that causes me to step back and reevaluate how I spend my feelings. I said earlier that I am thankful to be able to feel. I love being able to feel strongly, but if I'm not feeling strongly about my Savior, what else is there?
At the end of the most recent study session, it was put to the group at large to contemplate the areas of life in which we are weak- the areas in life that need an intentional injection of spirituality. I suggested that procrastination was a beast I battled with. It's something that has always been a struggle. When I was younger, I was able to blame it on ADD/ADHD, but now that just comes off as an excuse. I don't want that anymore.
A goal was set for everyone at the study: we would go out from that place and mindfully look for opportunities for our weaknesses to be called to arms. I've been told I write well- and that not to use it is a wasted gift- so as to combat the procrastination-monster and to avoid being the servant who buried his master's talent, I am writing to all of you about feelings.
What I want is to be mindful of my shortcomings. In light of the holiday season that is swirling around us right now, that sentiment might seem strange, and indeed it is. However, things are only going to change if I know they need to. I want a taste of Paul's divine discontent. I want to be made better- not by my angst-ridden soliloquies to my dog about how no one gets me, but by the deep-set, unscratchable itch that comes with wanting to know Christ.
-Danul
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